A peek into my brain

And now the real trial begins- writing when I don’t have anything to write about. Nothing worth mentioning has happened today, and no story ideas are coming to mind. Let’s pick something from my list of ideas.

Not in the mood for an anecdote, not in the mood for a letter, not in the mood for self-diagnosis- goddamn why are these all such heavy topics right off the bat? Ughh no we can’t fall off the wagon after only three days come on dammit write write something.
Okay fine. We’ll write about not having any ideas.

It doesn’t surprise me that I’m drawing a blank. My brain has a severe tendency to not do what I want it to do. Especially when the thing that I want to do is important. Or involves actually writing down my creative ideas. Which kinda sucks because most of the things I will have to do in my life will include either important things or writing.

If the writing thing is confusing, the issue is that I come up with great ideas in my head and even have amazing wording for it, writing out the story on a mental typewriter so to speak- but when I actually get to a keyboard, everything seems to go… flat. I can get down the general idea, and even most of the dialogue if I’m lucky. But it’s been churning in my head so long that it’s sort of lost its flavor, like a burger de-greased after cooking in a George Foreman grill. The only difference is that those burgers still tended to taste delicious. (where is my George Foreman grill?)

Sometimes I wonder if I should just keep those ideas in my head so they don’t lose their shine. After all, maybe I don’t have to record EVERYTHING. But then my brain says ‘haha yes you do write it down’ so I do. And it comes out awful.

Funnily enough, the plotlines that haven’t been thought out in my brain turn out fine. If I come up with a general idea and then expand on it in writing, those turn out way better. I guess because if I go ahead and write out the story in my head, by the time I can write it down I’ve forgotten a lot of the great wording and phrasing that I used.

You may be thinking ‘then just save the story for the page’ but I CAN’T. Because typically when I make up stories like that, it’s a coping mechanism to deal with the shittiness I’m currently going through. Like school or work or an uncomfortable family reunion. So I don’t want to save it for the page, I want to distract myself. Thankfully at this point I’m pretty good at autopilot, so nobody can really tell that my mind is somewhere else unless they try to talk to me.

But it is frustrating though. I hate not having records of things I create. I also hate losing records of things I create. Even though I’ve mostly gone digital, I’ve never once considered tossing any of my old notebooks away. I like looking through them and seeing how far I’ve come. I also really like reading my own writing because it’s exactly the style I like and I’m a narcissist sorta kinda.

Whenever I write down the lackluster versions of my great ideas, I always tell myself that someday I’ll go back and rewrite some of the shine into them. I very rarely do. That’s kind of sad, honestly. Maybe I’ll start doing that. I’ll have a lot of time, seeing as I still haven’t heard back from a single job application.

I think that’s enough for today. I’m satisfied with this, and I genuinely can’t think of anything else to add.

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