Dreams of Youtube Past

I have no concept of time so I just come write when I feel like it’s been a week and it could’ve been either 4 days or 14 

At least it’s not like my cosplay blog which I’m really procrastinating on mainly because it involves actual photos of me

What can we talk about today? I need to get my mind off something. Hm.

I wanted to be a Youtuber once. Well, I say once, but really it was only about 2 years ago. The channel is still up and everything, along with my grand total of *drumroll* 0 subscribers and 8 views.

To be fair, I didn’t stick with it very long, maybe a month or so while I was bored during my gap year. So I didn’t give the channel time to grow, and when I eventually gave up on it I didn’t feel much of a loss. Particularly because (similar to blogging, ironically) I wasn’t really sure what I wanted my niche to be.

At first I considered becoming a gamer. Yes, go on and roll your eyes. But I liked playing videogames well enough. At least, certain genres of videogames. I definitely wouldn’t have been a horror gamer; I prefer stylish games with emotion and story, like Telltale games. My plan was to sort of base my style off the Youtuber Cryaotic, including never showing my face or (hopefully) revealing my name. The problem I quickly ran into was, well… though I had a vast collection of games, they were all console games. And since I wasn’t 100% sure that this was what I wanted to do, I was extremely hesitant to invest in re-buying everything on Steam. I did make a brief foray onto Twitch with some Aura Kingdom, but that idea quickly fell by the wayside.

My second idea was to become a speed-artist. If you’re unfamiliar with that, basically it’s an artist who records the (hours long) process of creating an artpiece, then speeds it up to a maybe 5-10 minute video. I think I actually uploaded a couple videos of that, including creating my own thumbnail for one of my Let’s Plays. That idea honestly wasn’t so bad, and I actually wouldn’t mind returning to it again… However, I’d been making my trial Youtube videos on the desktop computer in my house. Drawing was something I was more used to doing on my laptop, but the capture software didn’t work as well due to the laptop’s more limited capabilities. I tried drawing on the desktop computer, but it just… felt weird. I don’t know how to describe it.

My last idea was to become a vlogger. But as I mentioned earlier, I still didn’t want to show my face, or give out any incriminating details. So the vlogs typically involved just my voice over a black background with the video title in center. Riveting, I know, but I couldn’t think of anything entertaining (and free) to show instead. animations i should’ve done really simple animations like the odd1sout i’m an idiot GAH This wasn’t such a bad idea either, and it was one I sort of really got into. I still have a OneNotes page of all the video ideas I never got to do. Actually, it might be possible to just edit/expand those for blog format and post them here.

But the reason I ended up abandoning that idea too? Well, honestly… for the longest time I’ve been insecure about the way I speak. I’m not exactly Marilyn Monroe: my voice tends toward low and sort of husky, especially when I’m relaxed or around family. Plus if I haven’t planned out what I’m going to say, I tend to stumble over my words and just sound really awkward.

That’s why I like writing so much, whether it’s blogging, fiction writing, or just chatting online. I don’t have to worry about whether I look okay, or what I sound like. I can reinvent myself through these words on a screen. I am whatever I wish to be.

But don’t worry… I plan to be a little more honest on this blog than I am on the rest of the internet.

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I’m a better socializer online tbh

whoops I meant to leave a little time between posts but ended up leaving longer than I thought

So I actually went ahead and started the cosplay blog. By ‘started’ I mean I set up the website and made an introductory post on it. Unfortunately I don’t have any good photos of my finished cosplays (and I don’t have any time or a decent camera to take any) so that’s kind of on the backburner for now. I might just start with some helpful tips I’ve learned and go from there.

Meanwhile (though I should really be going to sleep) I think I’ll write a little more about myself. Namely the fact that I absolutely suck at socialization. Yes, I mentioned that my social life is nonexistent, but I don’t think I explained just how bad it is. I’m apparently incapable of having more than two active friends at a time. And it looks like right now I might only have one. I can barely handle talking to strangers who approach me, mostly clamming up instead of making it clear that I’m uncomfortable. And I absolutely fall apart when it comes to talking to attractive people. Which is why I remain perpetually single, never even having had a single kiss.

Aside from my own general awkwardness, I’m pretty sure part of the reason I’m so lacking in the social life department is because I ended up constantly moving schools during my high school years, which kept me from forming a solid friend group like everyone else(or learning how to do so). I had another chance during my one year of college, but that… bombed miserably. For reasons.

I think that in order to cope with all this, I’ve taken to maladaptive daydreaming. I make up a fascinating life full of interesting people, to compensate for the dull life with no people that I actually have. Sure it’s not the healthiest or most productive coping mechanism, but it’s not actually killing me, so I’ll hold on to it for a little bit longer.

And again, moving to the city. Maybe that’ll be my third (and final) chance to meet people. Or maybe it’ll just cement my destiny as a hermit I don’t know

quick thoughts

Haha…ha…

I’ve been following this email guide for getting a jumpstart on freelance writing, but… after a certain lesson I’ve been neglecting it, and now the lessons are piling up.

Because this lesson asked me to start guest-writing for other people. And…

Here’s the thing. I’m pretty sure that no professional company I can think of (and I’m thinking of HuffPost, Bloomberg, maybe even Cracked) would care for any of the niches I’m considering. I mean- cosplay? Broadway shows? Creative writing?

So unless I find a blog that consistently has content like that- or at least, content similar enough to that- I’ll probably be staying on WordPress. If I’m going to write for someone, I want to make sure their interests align with mine. I’ve waited this long, after all…


Oh, I almost forgot to mention. Whatever I end up writing about, I’m considering just making a new blog for it and leaving this one as my personal blog. So we’ll see.